Awesome Facebook Statuses

Doing something weird and thinking “this is why I’m single..”

20 Laugh Worthy Facebook Status Updates:
1.    After filling up my gas tank this morning before work, I realized that I didn’t want to eat for the rest of the week anyways.
2.    Remember: Life isn’t about having amazing experiences, it’s about making mediocre experiences look awesome on Facebook.
3.    I’m so old, I can remember going through a whole day without taking a picture of anything.
4.    That awkward moment when your kindness is mistaken with flirting.
5.    Unless your kid’s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
6.    It sounds fun, Autocorrect, but I am enjoying beers with Jess, not Jesus.
7.    I like most people as long as they’re not behind a steering wheel or a keyboard.
8.    Every time I eat Chinese I feel like I weigh won ton.
9.    Hashtags make your posts completely invisible to me.
10.  If you had to choose between a billion dollars or world peace, how many bedrooms would your mansion have?
11.  Inspirational status: Today’s probably going to suck. Don’t be a little bitch and handle that shit.
12.  Why do people who insult themselves get mad when you agree with them?
13.  Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights.
14.  Starting tomorrow: Whatever Life throws at me… I’m gonna duck so it hits someone else
15.  Hey you guys making fun of the people you see in Walmart…you were in Walmart too.
16.  My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
17.  Women don’t go crazy, they are crazy. They just “go normal” from time to time.
18.  I’d be a great cat because I hate everyone but insist everyone loves me.
19.  ASKHOLE: A person who constantly ask for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them


20.  Girls who say “a lot of guys are after me” should keep in mind that low price always attract many customers